Today was one of those days.

Today was one of those days.

I felt like I kept getting one customer after another that wasn’t very happy about things that needed to be done in order for me to properly help them. I began to get frustrated and defeated for the day. I wanted nothing more than to lash back, to defend myself. But, I didn’t. I tried my hardest to keep smiling and to not let them see me affected by their words. I found myself thinking, “How can someone continue to be so ugly to someone who is only trying to do their job? How can someone continue to act that way, when the person in front of them is smiling throughout the whole interaction? How, how, how? Can you not see the desperation in my eyes, pleading for you to ease up on me, even just a little?” I do this thing where I count to 3 silently, clear my head, and start again. Because sometimes.. I am too quick with my reactions. I have had to teach myself not to be so temperamental.

I suddenly found myself thinking about what would Jesus do?

How would He react to those who weren’t treating him just?

What would be going through His mind?

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•Philippians 2:12-13•

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

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•Matthew 5:14-16•

You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

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Be kind. Be patient. Be understanding. Do not be quick to judge.

“You do not know where their frustration is coming from, my child.” It was like a faint echo in my mind. Maybe he was working through me, seeing as he knows this is something I have trouble with on a day to day basis. I just couldn’t shake this thought.

Sometimes it’s difficult to not let others affect how you react to their actions. It’s hard to “do what Jesus would do.” But that’s how we grow as children of Christ, right?

So for anyone who is reading this, I hope you take the time to think about what would Jesus do. I hope that for a mere second you catch yourself thinking twice before responding to someone in an ugly way, even if they do deserve it. Think about all of the times you were acting out of line.. and all you needed was a smile. Then think about how good it will feel to not let the world around you change your heart and soul. Even if you aren’t a believer of Christ, try to be the bigger/better person. It’s my mantra and it’s actually very simple, “be the change in the world that you want to see.” 🌻

October 6, 2016.

“Our backs tells stories no books have the spine to carry.”

2 years ago today.

It was like any other morning.

Until it wasn’t.

For a second, I lost track of all time.

Everything went black.

I didn’t feel anything. I can’t recall much of the wreck while it was happening because I was so mesmerized by the angel that was sitting in the front seat of my car beside me with their hand on mine. I remember feeling my car leave the ground; the jolt that threw my head against the top of my car, but that’s about it. And then I remember coming too; smoke circling the space around me from the air bag exploding, high pitched ringing in my ears, the feeling of blood dripping from my nose, and me being absolutely dismayed.

Shattered glass surrounded me. My windshield was basically gone. There was only one layer of my driver side door protecting me from the outside. My sunroof was caved in and half of my trunk was in the back seat.

“Hello, ma’am, are you there?”

My car automatically called 911 when the air bags deployed. Still in shock, I remember replying “I’ve been in a wreck,” and her saying “someone is on the way,”. I look down and somehow, my phone is in my lap. With trembling hands, I managed to text my mom the same words: I’ve been in a wreck.

My logic was out the window and calling wasn’t really an option as I couldn’t muster up the willpower to speak.

I pulled my mirror down to examine my face.

My cheek was already starting to swell. My eye was bruising quickly. My lip was busted and I could taste salty blood on my tongue. Over-all though, I didn’t look THAT bad.

And then I remembered I shouldn’t move. Something could be broke or on the verge of breaking and I didn’t want to potentially paralyze myself. I did however try and wiggle my toes. I prayed before I did so. I was sure I wouldn’t be able too. But I did. That’s when I felt a stabbing pain in my back and it hurt to breathe… panic was setting.

My back. My back. My back. Is it broken?

The man I got in the wreck with quickly came to my side. He managed to maneuver himself in the back seat behind me. All I could do was apologize over and over and over again.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

Despite me being the one who caused the wreck, he held my hand and told me it was going to be okay. He did not leave my side until the ambulance got there.

They thought my Ford Focus was a hatchback. It wasn’t.

They weren’t even sure how I was alive. Conscious. Aware and awake.

How did my 104 pound body survive a car flipping and rolling 6 times? My body may have been little and fragile, but my God is not. That’s when I knew that the angel I had witness during my blackout was real. I truly believe it was not a figment of my imagination.

The ride to the hospital was fuzzy. I was still in panic mode and the anxiety was starting to show, so they pumped me with medicine that made me feel numb, but also really sick to my stomach.

By this time, I was in a neck brace and they had me strapped down flat on my back on a gurney.

“She has a fractured L1 and slight fracture on L2,”.

My back isn’t broken, but damaged. I could live with that, I thought.

Nobody could have ever prepared me for the months that followed this day. I was forced to realize how important it is to appreciate the little things; like having a non fracture spine.

It hurt to walk.

It hurt to breathe.

It REALLY hurt to sneeze.

I couldn’t walk up steps by myself.

I couldn’t shower alone because the moment my hands went over my head a searing pain would shoot throughout my entire back.

I couldn’t sleep because of the pressure.

I couldn’t even brush my own hair.

And let’s not forget my lovely back brace.

I could go on and on about how hard I struggled. About how many nights I spent crying and asking God “why?”.

And the truth is:

I lost myself for a while. I lost friends. I lost my confidence. I lost a lot of my faith. I felt like the world was out to get me and that I wasn’t strong enough mentally to get myself through this. There was so much pain I’d have to endure to get back to how I partially was before.

But giving up and throwing myself a pity party was not an option. So instead of feeling sorry for myself, I fought. Everyday I fought to walk. To do my hair. To step up steps. To sleep the way I use to. To pick things up. To shower alone.

I wasn’t happy and I felt weak, but I fought.

And only now do I realize how strong I truly was/am.

Every day I thank God for flipping my world upside down. If not for that, I don’t think I’d be who I am today. I appreciate the little things more than I ever did before. My faith is bigger than it was. And now I know I am capable of fighting a fight, no matter how big and scary it may seem.

I still have my days. Some days I curse and scream and get beyond frustrated with myself. Some days I push my body to hard, forgetting I am a little bit more fragile than I was once before. And of course having to really understand and process the fact that my back will NEVER be the same was a challenge itself.

I can’t ride roller coasters. I can’t lift up heavy things like I use too. Running too much will make it hurt, but I’ve learned to work around these things.

Everyday is a new day.

Everyday is a new day to fight a fight that you’re scared you can’t win.

Believe you can, and you will.

I did. So can you.

I can hands down say that that was probably one of the worst years of my life, but also the most humbling. I’ve learned so much about just life in general and personal strength; I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’m a firm believer that our experiences make us into who we are, and you have the choice to either let it mold you in a positive or negative way.

Half of your battle will always be in your head, the other half will always be how hard you are willing to try.

Now mentally, I’m stronger than I ever have been. I have conditioned myself to treat hard situations as learning lessons. And I know I have the will power to handle anything that comes my way.

October 6, 2016 will forever be engraved in brain.

The fact that I got through it though, will be too.

I am a fighter.

There is beauty in pain.

Because once one fights through the pain, they shine. They shine a light so bright that it is infectious.

And what a lovely site it is to see; to watch someone piece themselves back together after they’ve fallen apart.

It is a reminder that no matter what one may go through, we have the ability to lift ourselves out of the darkness we’ve fallen into.

The most beautiful people are normally the most broken ones; they know how to survive.

They know what it takes to fight through the pain.

And you can too, you just have to muster of the strength and courage to choose to not let the worst things in life get the best of you.

You can be one of the beautifully broken ones; the fighter that did, the fighter that survived.

choose to live.

One thing that’s extremely difficult for people to realize is that they’re half the reason for their unhappiness.

Yes, I understand and I am fully aware that depression and anxiety are chemical imbalances in ones brain, but when push comes to shove, 50% of the battle is your attitude.

The way you perceive things.

Some choose to see the glass half empty, when they should be trying to see the glass half full.

Life often throws us curveballs that many of us are not ready for. It’s okay to get knocked down. It’s okay to break and bend and feel nothing but negative emotions, pain, sorrow, and hurt. It’s human nature.

Without the bad days, without the days that make you want to give up, the days that push your buttons the most, the good days wouldn’t be worth it. Bad days prepare you for the better days that are coming. You have to persevere.

It can’t and won’t rain forever. The sun will always come out again. Remind yourself of this.

That’s why it is so important to pick yourself back up. It is your job to help yourself grow. You are the only one who can make the changes in your life that you want to see.

You. You. You.

The only person that holds the key to your happiness is YOU.

Turn negative experiences into positives ones by learning from them. Allow yourself to flourish from this. Just because something doesn’t go your way, doesn’t mean it is the end. Like I said, it’s all about perspective.

You are in charge. Nobody else. Just YOU. Do you understand?

Think of all of the things you could make happen if you actually put your mind to it. You are capable of anything. If you don’t at least try, you will never get results.

You will stagnantly stay in the same murky water if you do not take the first step to make it clean.

So, I urge you all to make it your mission in life to push yourself, even when times are hard. Do not let yourself falter and stay. Be your own motivation. Let the idea of a better life be your motivation.

You must take care your of your mind, body, and soul for this to happen. You must put yourself first. You have to make yourself a priority.

With that being said, I hope that whoever is having a hard time, will be able to muster up the strength and courage to choose to live. Wipe the dirt off of your pants, pat your eyes dry, pick yourself up, and GO.

Go live. You owe yourself that much.

You are in control.