October 6, 2016.

“Our backs tells stories no books have the spine to carry.”

2 years ago today.

It was like any other morning.

Until it wasn’t.

For a second, I lost track of all time.

Everything went black.

I didn’t feel anything. I can’t recall much of the wreck while it was happening because I was so mesmerized by the angel that was sitting in the front seat of my car beside me with their hand on mine. I remember feeling my car leave the ground; the jolt that threw my head against the top of my car, but that’s about it. And then I remember coming too; smoke circling the space around me from the air bag exploding, high pitched ringing in my ears, the feeling of blood dripping from my nose, and me being absolutely dismayed.

Shattered glass surrounded me. My windshield was basically gone. There was only one layer of my driver side door protecting me from the outside. My sunroof was caved in and half of my trunk was in the back seat.

“Hello, ma’am, are you there?”

My car automatically called 911 when the air bags deployed. Still in shock, I remember replying “I’ve been in a wreck,” and her saying “someone is on the way,”. I look down and somehow, my phone is in my lap. With trembling hands, I managed to text my mom the same words: I’ve been in a wreck.

My logic was out the window and calling wasn’t really an option as I couldn’t muster up the willpower to speak.

I pulled my mirror down to examine my face.

My cheek was already starting to swell. My eye was bruising quickly. My lip was busted and I could taste salty blood on my tongue. Over-all though, I didn’t look THAT bad.

And then I remembered I shouldn’t move. Something could be broke or on the verge of breaking and I didn’t want to potentially paralyze myself. I did however try and wiggle my toes. I prayed before I did so. I was sure I wouldn’t be able too. But I did. That’s when I felt a stabbing pain in my back and it hurt to breathe… panic was setting.

My back. My back. My back. Is it broken?

The man I got in the wreck with quickly came to my side. He managed to maneuver himself in the back seat behind me. All I could do was apologize over and over and over again.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

Despite me being the one who caused the wreck, he held my hand and told me it was going to be okay. He did not leave my side until the ambulance got there.

They thought my Ford Focus was a hatchback. It wasn’t.

They weren’t even sure how I was alive. Conscious. Aware and awake.

How did my 104 pound body survive a car flipping and rolling 6 times? My body may have been little and fragile, but my God is not. That’s when I knew that the angel I had witness during my blackout was real. I truly believe it was not a figment of my imagination.

The ride to the hospital was fuzzy. I was still in panic mode and the anxiety was starting to show, so they pumped me with medicine that made me feel numb, but also really sick to my stomach.

By this time, I was in a neck brace and they had me strapped down flat on my back on a gurney.

She has a fractured L1 and slight fracture on L2,”.

My back isn’t broken, but damaged. I could live with that, I thought.

Nobody could have ever prepared me for the months that followed this day. I was forced to realize how important it is to appreciate the little things; like having a non fracture spine.

It hurt to walk.

It hurt to breathe.

It REALLY hurt to sneeze.

I couldn’t walk up steps by myself.

I couldn’t shower alone because the moment my hands went over my head a searing pain would shoot throughout my entire back.

I couldn’t sleep because of the pressure.

I couldn’t even brush my own hair.

And let’s not forget my lovely back brace.

I could go on and on about how hard I struggled. About how many nights I spent crying and asking God “why?”.

And the truth is:

I lost myself for a while. I lost friends. I lost my confidence. I lost a lot of my faith. I felt like the world was out to get me and that I wasn’t strong enough mentally to get myself through this. There was so much pain I’d have to endure to get back to how I partially was before.

But giving up and throwing myself a pity party was not an option. So instead of feeling sorry for myself, I fought. Everyday I fought to walk. To do my hair. To step up steps. To sleep the way I use to. To pick things up. To shower alone.

I wasn’t happy and I felt weak, but I fought.

And only now do I realize how strong I truly was/am.

Every day I thank God for flipping my world upside down. If not for that, I don’t think I’d be who I am today. I appreciate the little things more than I ever did before. My faith is bigger than it was. And now I know I am capable of fighting a fight, no matter how big and scary it may seem.

I still have my days. Some days I curse and scream and get beyond frustrated with myself. Some days I push my body to hard, forgetting I am a little bit more fragile than I was once before. And of course having to really understand and process the fact that my back will NEVER be the same was a challenge itself.

I can’t ride roller coasters. I can’t lift up heavy things like I use too. Running too much will make it hurt, but I’ve learned to work around these things.

Everyday is a new day.

Everyday is a new day to fight a fight that you’re scared you can’t win.

Believe you can, and you will.

I did. So can you.

I can hands down say that that was probably one of the worst years of my life, but also the most humbling. I’ve learned so much about just life in general and personal strength; I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’m a firm believer that our experiences make us into who we are, and you have the choice to either let it mold you in a positive or negative way.

Half of your battle will always be in your head, the other half will always be how hard you are willing to try.

Now mentally, I’m stronger than I ever have been. I have conditioned myself to treat hard situations as learning lessons. And I know I have the will power to handle anything that comes my way.

October 6, 2016 will forever be engraved in brain.

The fact that I got through it though, is too.

I am a fighter.

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There is beauty in pain.

Because once one fights through the pain, they shine. They shine a light so bright that it is infectious.

And what a lovely site it is to see; to watch someone piece themselves back together after they’ve fallen apart.

It is a reminder that no matter what one may go through, we have the ability to lift ourselves out of the darkness we’ve fallen into.

The most beautiful people are normally the most broken ones; they know how to survive.

They know what it takes to fight through the pain.

And you can too, you just have to muster of the strength and courage to choose to not let the worst things in life get the best of you.

You can be one of the beautifully broken ones; the fighter that did, the fighter that survived.

addiction

With all of the talk about drug addiction and everything that has been going on lately in the world, I’d like to take some time to write about what I personally think.

Drug addiction.

Is it a disease or a choice that one makes?

Science says that addiction is in fact a disease. This is not something that a good bit of the public agrees with. Despite the fact that doctors and scientific studies have confirmed it, people still challenge the idea that addiction is a disease.

I see where both sides come from.

I understand that a lot of you all will say it started off as a choice. And, you all would be correct.

But did you ever stop to think about how they got there?

About what pushed them to become addicted in the first place?

And did you ever think about all of the potentially addictive products you’ve tried/consumed, but did not get addicted too?

This is what makes the most sense to me.

Some of us can drink alcohol socially and not think about it twice. We can go out and have a few drinks (or 12) with our friends, family, and loved ones, and not crave it afterwards.

Some of us can smoke a joint, let it ease our minds, and be done with it.

One can play around with cocaine and not ever desire to do it again.

I could be prescribed pain killers for an injury, take them as needed, and when I’m healed and well, I will have no reason to pick them up again nor will I have an uncontrollable desire for them.

This is where the disease comes in.

All of our brains are wired differently. Hence, why some people are depressed, have anxiety, schizophrenia, etc.

Just like some of us have the ability to stop, some of us don’t.

I’m by no means making excuses for addicts, but try seeing it from someone else’s shoes.

You don’t live the reality others do.

All we can do is be compassionate. Understanding. Thoughtful.

Instead of judging, try to help. Be encouraging. Try to make a change in the life of those around you. Some are not as fortunate as others.

Be mindful of that.

Addictions affects each and every one of us in ways that nobody else will ever be able to understand or comprehend. Think twice before spewing hate and negativity. That could be you.

You are just one of the lucky ones.

Not everybody is.

choose to live.

One thing that’s extremely difficult for people to realize is that they’re half the reason for their unhappiness.

Yes, I understand and I am fully aware that depression and anxiety are chemical imbalances in ones brain, but when push comes to shove, 50% of the battle is your attitude.

The way you perceive things.

Some choose to see the glass half empty, when they should be trying to see the glass half full.

Life often throws us curveballs that many of us are not ready for. It’s okay to get knocked down. It’s okay to break and bend and feel nothing but negative emotions, pain, sorrow, and hurt. It’s human nature.

Without the bad days, without the days that make you want to give up, the days that push your buttons the most, the good days wouldn’t be worth it. Bad days prepare you for the better days that are coming. You have to persevere.

It can’t and won’t rain forever. The sun will always come out again. Remind yourself of this.

That’s why it is so important to pick yourself back up. It is your job to help yourself grow. You are the only one who can make the changes in your life that you want to see.

You. You. You.

The only person that holds the key to your happiness is YOU.

Turn negative experiences into positives ones by learning from them. Allow yourself to flourish from this. Just because something doesn’t go your way, doesn’t mean it is the end. Like I said, it’s all about perspective.

You are in charge. Nobody else. Just YOU. Do you understand?

Think of all of the things you could make happen if you actually put your mind to it. You are capable of anything. If you don’t at least try, you will never get results.

You will stagnantly stay in the same murky water if you do not take the first step to make it clean.

So, I urge you all to make it your mission in life to push yourself, even when times are hard. Do not let yourself falter and stay. Be your own motivation. Let the idea of a better life be your motivation.

You must take care your of your mind, body, and soul for this to happen. You must put yourself first. You have to make yourself a priority.

With that being said, I hope that whoever is having a hard time, will be able to muster up the strength and courage to choose to live. Wipe the dirt off of your pants, pat your eyes dry, pick yourself up, and GO.

Go live. You owe yourself that much.

You are in control.

love love love

For a long time my heart was locked up and hidden from the world. I let myself become an emotionless, cold bitch. I paid no one attention. They didn’t deserve my time of day. I was convinced that men were all dogs, jerks, & monsters waiting to break me.

But then you came around and BAM!

Everything changed.

All walls were let down.

My heart completely melted. And suddenly, guys weren’t as horrible to me as they were before.

You instantly caught my eye. There was just something about you that I wanted to know more about.

Everything about you intrigued me. The way you spoke, the way you moved, how you analyzed things. But mostly, I loved how easily you let me into your world, and how easily I let you into mine.

You started to actually become more than just some person to me. You started to unfold before my eyes. And let me tell you, I was scared. I was scared because you made me feel alive. My feelings for you over time began to blossom and grow. They grew fast.

And before I knew it I was telling myself you were the kind of guy I could fall in love with.

After everything I’ve been through, I would have never thought I’d find myself wanting to feel something for someone again. This time it was different. You were different.

And now here I am, completely in awe of my feelings for you.

I love you and all that you are.

You’ve turned my world upside down and made me realize that it’s okay to let someone want and care for me. For so long I was sheltered and cared for no one but myself. Not anymore.

I care about you. And more often than not, I find myself wanting you; longing for your touch, to be completely intertwined with your body and soul.

You’re beautiful to me and I hope that you never slip through my fingers. You are the closest thing to perfect I’ve ever encountered and that’s something I don’t ever want to lose.